Such a lazy day, and still aching plus me venting about work and school
I'm off today from work, and spent most of it in bed, watching TV, or sleeping. Not a very productive day at all. I've become used to being in this "rest" mode, as I believe I need to recuperate or re-energize for the next day. But, all this "rest" does nothing to improve my energy. I still go to work tired, and get home fatigued. I wake up with many aches throughout, that I don't want to leave the bed. But, since we all have to pee, I muster strength to get out of bed to go to the loo, eat a little something for breakfast, and pop my daily pills. On a work day, or actually, everyday, I head back into bed to rest again after breakfast. I estimate my daily sleep time to be around 9-10 hours (on work days), and 10-12 hours (on off days). I sleep too much, perhaps.
On TV, I caught a commercial for yet another anti-depressant drug, but their theme was about the physical symptoms associated with depression, more than other symptoms. It grabbed my attention, because it described me right now. I'm not sad, or wanting to kill myself. I'm not overly anxious or irritated. I'm just in pain. I don't want to take pain medicine, but some days, I have to in order to get rest or sleep. I went to the website advertised on the commercial: http://www.depressionhurts.com . I used the symptom mapper to list my complaints, and printed it out. I'll be sure to show it to my psychiatrist the next time I see her.
But, I have told her about these symptoms already. We shrug it off as work-related pains, that should go away with time. But, I've been hurting for probably a month and going. It was really bad a week and a half to two weeks ago. It's become less painful, but still, I want to be able to wake up every morning and walk easily to the bathroom, not limp.
Is all this pain a result of my sedentary lifestyle also? If I become more active, would I actually gain more energy and rid myself of these aches? I'm not sure. And I'm hesitant about finding out too, because I believe more activity means more pain and fatigue. Hence, I "rest" all day. Could it also be my bed? I think it's pretty comfortable right now. But, maybe a newer bed will help. I don't know. I'm willing to try anything in order to become pain-free.
Could it just be stress-related? I think my major stressors right now are work and school. Work is work. It hasn't changed. I knew working at the hospital would be hard and challenging. I've been there for almost 2 years now, and the system seems like it will never change to the way I think it should be, but I've not yet given up hope on changing the hospital for the better. There will be some big changes, actually, in the near future at work, as our newly-renovated unit will finally be open for us to move back into. Being displaced this whole year in the med-surg wing has been, unheavenly.
Now...the big concern for me is school. I've paid for the courses. I've yet to start work on anything. I've obtained the syllabi. I've only looked them over briefly during my psych-therapy session with my psychiatrist. And what day is it? It's already October 18!!! What the hell am I doing? I should be starting at least one little project or paper. But, I feel like I'm avoiding it. I've fallen into my old school routine of the past - procrastinate until it's almost too late. I've already discussed this with my psychiatrist, and she knows that I'm this way, so she's been trying to implement all these steps and deadlines to help me get something done. But it's not really working. I was supposed to touch base with her today, but didn't, because I was watching TV and not thinking about doing any of my school work. Why am I avoiding it? I know I have to do it, but I'm not doing it. What, in my crazy mind, is blocking me from getting something done? I know what the positive results will be if I do my school work and graduate. I can take the RN exam, to be a RN, then get paid more. Why is that not motivation enough?
Or am I still scared of something? Am I still afraid to do this work because I fear I may not put out the same quality work of years past? I know I should just do the work, turn it in, and not think about a grade at all, and just pass, but why is it so hard for me? Why is it that I'm able to write all this here in a blog, and not type a single word for my papers?
I really don't know.
On TV, I caught a commercial for yet another anti-depressant drug, but their theme was about the physical symptoms associated with depression, more than other symptoms. It grabbed my attention, because it described me right now. I'm not sad, or wanting to kill myself. I'm not overly anxious or irritated. I'm just in pain. I don't want to take pain medicine, but some days, I have to in order to get rest or sleep. I went to the website advertised on the commercial: http://www.depressionhurts.com . I used the symptom mapper to list my complaints, and printed it out. I'll be sure to show it to my psychiatrist the next time I see her.
But, I have told her about these symptoms already. We shrug it off as work-related pains, that should go away with time. But, I've been hurting for probably a month and going. It was really bad a week and a half to two weeks ago. It's become less painful, but still, I want to be able to wake up every morning and walk easily to the bathroom, not limp.
Is all this pain a result of my sedentary lifestyle also? If I become more active, would I actually gain more energy and rid myself of these aches? I'm not sure. And I'm hesitant about finding out too, because I believe more activity means more pain and fatigue. Hence, I "rest" all day. Could it also be my bed? I think it's pretty comfortable right now. But, maybe a newer bed will help. I don't know. I'm willing to try anything in order to become pain-free.
Could it just be stress-related? I think my major stressors right now are work and school. Work is work. It hasn't changed. I knew working at the hospital would be hard and challenging. I've been there for almost 2 years now, and the system seems like it will never change to the way I think it should be, but I've not yet given up hope on changing the hospital for the better. There will be some big changes, actually, in the near future at work, as our newly-renovated unit will finally be open for us to move back into. Being displaced this whole year in the med-surg wing has been, unheavenly.
Now...the big concern for me is school. I've paid for the courses. I've yet to start work on anything. I've obtained the syllabi. I've only looked them over briefly during my psych-therapy session with my psychiatrist. And what day is it? It's already October 18!!! What the hell am I doing? I should be starting at least one little project or paper. But, I feel like I'm avoiding it. I've fallen into my old school routine of the past - procrastinate until it's almost too late. I've already discussed this with my psychiatrist, and she knows that I'm this way, so she's been trying to implement all these steps and deadlines to help me get something done. But it's not really working. I was supposed to touch base with her today, but didn't, because I was watching TV and not thinking about doing any of my school work. Why am I avoiding it? I know I have to do it, but I'm not doing it. What, in my crazy mind, is blocking me from getting something done? I know what the positive results will be if I do my school work and graduate. I can take the RN exam, to be a RN, then get paid more. Why is that not motivation enough?
Or am I still scared of something? Am I still afraid to do this work because I fear I may not put out the same quality work of years past? I know I should just do the work, turn it in, and not think about a grade at all, and just pass, but why is it so hard for me? Why is it that I'm able to write all this here in a blog, and not type a single word for my papers?
I really don't know.
I seen that commercial too. I think I'll check that site out. I know that stress makes my skin worse, which makes me more depressed, and I miss class, which stresses me out, and on and on in the circle of life. *holds Simba up to the sun*
Maybe we should start our own little group therapy thing since so many of our friends have issues with depression. We are our own support group! Now .. how to motivate ourselves to actually show up to something like that. :P
P.S. - I'm going on Cyclosporin next week sometime. Maybe I'll blog about that.
Posted by
sabete |
10/22/2005 06:53:00 AM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Posted by
sabete |
10/22/2005 06:55:00 AM
Oh! And nice redesign! Dude, you gotta teach me some CSS tricks. I'm still learning for my own site redesign, but just contemplating doing a script for blogger makes me tired.
Posted by
sabete |
10/22/2005 06:56:00 AM
oh dude...I didn't design it...it's a blogger template ;P I'm too lazy to go through code :P
yes...do blog about meds...I love learning about them. I'll let you know if I go on anything new...gonna see the psychiatrist today...maybe she'll put me on something new
Posted by
ronnie |
10/24/2005 11:39:00 AM