Friday, September 22, 2006 

Who do I look like?

Here's another cool thing I got from Sabete. It's a website that compares your face with others, and here's my results:





So...I look like Japanese hottie KimuTaku! WAY COOL!!! :-D

9/22/2006 12:08:00 PM | |

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 

I don't know anymore....

It's as if my brother Jr. knew I was going to visit him. Just prior to reaching the entrance of Guam Memorial Park, clouds grew from nowhere and it started to rain. Not a heavy down-pour, but a light sprinkle.

So I exited my car, with small umbrella in hand, and walked towards his grave. I was not even 5 feet from his marker when I started to cry. I just let all my emotions out. And, I haven't cried like that for quite some time. I couldn't even talk to him, everytime I tried, I just cried even more.

So, what lead to this, you ask? Well, I had my appointment with my psychiatrist this morning, which really drove me to visit my brother at the cemetary. You see, I usually visit him when I'm feeling down, or when I have something to share with him.

I haven't been letting this bug me too much, but what I didn't share with my psychiatrist was that Papa was indeed diagnosed with Lung Cancer. This news hasn't gotten me all depressed or anything...on the whole, despite such tragic news, I've been fairly happy recently. A little stressed, but not depressed to the point of total seclusion and whatnot.

But...this news is not what made me sad today to the point of visiting my brother. In fact, I became so upset after my appointment with doc, because I shared with her that I have been having a long distance relationship with Arnold, my boyfriend. Apparently, she disapproves of me having such a relationship - she kept pointing out all kinds of potential conflicts and negatives. Of course, I didn't get defensive - I just smiled, said, "okay" and tried to shrug off all that she said. But I listened to her. I understood her point of view, but I didn't readily agree. But, I didn't tell her that I didn't readily agree...I just took it all in.

And I guess that's why I was upset - maybe upset with myself for not telling her otherwise, or telling her my side of the story. She says I should try to find someone here on island, especially since this would be my first relationship. She says having a relationship with someone not from here is not a "normal" situation - which may lead to problems later on. She also thinks that I won't ever be able to know him in his "normal" way of life, as when I go to see him, I will be on vacation, he will be on vacation, it will be like a staged event. She thinks I need to familiarize myself with someone in their natural habitat, so to speak.

And, she says, in order to know him in his natural habitat, I would have to bring him over here as a "husband" already - which by that time, it will probably be too late to figure everything out and get accustomed to things, etc.

Anyhow, I'm sad that such things were said. But honestly, I tried to find someone here on Guam. Maybe not as hard as she would have liked me to, but I did try at least. Earlier this year I also was beginning to visit E-harmony and was filling out all those personality surveys and shit. I was seriously thinking that the only way I was gonna find love was by looking elsewhere.

It just so happened that my opportunity to meet someone came, a few months ago. It turned into love. My psychiatrist is speculative about this whole thing - she says I wouldn't know if he's truly what he says he is, or if he's lying to me about who he is so he can get to me.

But...saying that is like telling me "oh, you don't love him...you can't love him...you shouldn't love him...because blah blah blah".

So, now that I've found love, you're telling me that I can't have it?

What the fuck is that?

Shouldn't love be love, no matter what, no matter how?

And shouldn't I just at least try to make it work?

Why does she want me to quit now to find something else? What if there is nothing else and I lose Arnold?

All I know is this: I don't want to not have love.

*sigh* Anyway, about 2 minutes into my crying, I realized that my tears were soaking Jr's grave more than the rain was. The rain let up, the sun started blaring down, as if it never rained at all. I still cried a bit even after the weather improved...but it's as if Jr. was telling me that I was going to be okay. I left his grave maybe 10 minutes after that. I still didn't say much to him, but I knew he understood. That's why I love my brother so much. He's my guardian angel.


9/12/2006 10:52:00 AM | |

Sunday, September 03, 2006 

Music Video: "Back to Me"

Here you go...let's see if this works...the music video to the song I'm so loving right now:


9/03/2006 01:02:00 PM | |

 

I'm lovesick

So, here's the lyrics to the song I have on forever repeat on my PC and on my car's MP3 player these days...I am so lovesick, it's not even funny...

It's a band from the Philippines, they're called Cueshe.

"Back to Me" by Cueshe

Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone
Wondering of what have I done wrong
Maybe I’m just missing you all along
When will you be coming home
Back to me

There were times I felt like giving up
Haunted by memories I can’t give up
Wish that I never let you go and slip away
Had enough reasons for you to stay.

Can you feel me,
See me falling away
Did you hear me,
I’m calling out your name
‘Cause I’m barely hanging on
Baby, you need to come home
Back to me.

Sleepless nights
‘Cause you’re not here by my side
Cold as ice
I feel deep down inside
Maybe I’m just missing you all along
When will you be coming home

Can you feel me,
See me falling away
Did you hear me,
I’m calling out your name
‘Cause I’m barely hanging on
Baby, you need to come home
When will you be coming home
Back to me.

9/03/2006 10:21:00 AM | |