I don't know anymore....
It's as if my brother Jr. knew I was going to visit him. Just prior to reaching the entrance of Guam Memorial Park, clouds grew from nowhere and it started to rain. Not a heavy down-pour, but a light sprinkle.
So I exited my car, with small umbrella in hand, and walked towards his grave. I was not even 5 feet from his marker when I started to cry. I just let all my emotions out. And, I haven't cried like that for quite some time. I couldn't even talk to him, everytime I tried, I just cried even more.
So, what lead to this, you ask? Well, I had my appointment with my psychiatrist this morning, which really drove me to visit my brother at the cemetary. You see, I usually visit him when I'm feeling down, or when I have something to share with him.
I haven't been letting this bug me too much, but what I didn't share with my psychiatrist was that Papa was indeed diagnosed with Lung Cancer. This news hasn't gotten me all depressed or anything...on the whole, despite such tragic news, I've been fairly happy recently. A little stressed, but not depressed to the point of total seclusion and whatnot.
But...this news is not what made me sad today to the point of visiting my brother. In fact, I became so upset after my appointment with doc, because I shared with her that I have been having a long distance relationship with Arnold, my boyfriend. Apparently, she disapproves of me having such a relationship - she kept pointing out all kinds of potential conflicts and negatives. Of course, I didn't get defensive - I just smiled, said, "okay" and tried to shrug off all that she said. But I listened to her. I understood her point of view, but I didn't readily agree. But, I didn't tell her that I didn't readily agree...I just took it all in.
And I guess that's why I was upset - maybe upset with myself for not telling her otherwise, or telling her my side of the story. She says I should try to find someone here on island, especially since this would be my first relationship. She says having a relationship with someone not from here is not a "normal" situation - which may lead to problems later on. She also thinks that I won't ever be able to know him in his "normal" way of life, as when I go to see him, I will be on vacation, he will be on vacation, it will be like a staged event. She thinks I need to familiarize myself with someone in their natural habitat, so to speak.
And, she says, in order to know him in his natural habitat, I would have to bring him over here as a "husband" already - which by that time, it will probably be too late to figure everything out and get accustomed to things, etc.
Anyhow, I'm sad that such things were said. But honestly, I tried to find someone here on Guam. Maybe not as hard as she would have liked me to, but I did try at least. Earlier this year I also was beginning to visit E-harmony and was filling out all those personality surveys and shit. I was seriously thinking that the only way I was gonna find love was by looking elsewhere.
It just so happened that my opportunity to meet someone came, a few months ago. It turned into love. My psychiatrist is speculative about this whole thing - she says I wouldn't know if he's truly what he says he is, or if he's lying to me about who he is so he can get to me.
But...saying that is like telling me "oh, you don't love him...you can't love him...you shouldn't love him...because blah blah blah".
So, now that I've found love, you're telling me that I can't have it?
What the fuck is that?
Shouldn't love be love, no matter what, no matter how?
And shouldn't I just at least try to make it work?
Why does she want me to quit now to find something else? What if there is nothing else and I lose Arnold?
All I know is this: I don't want to not have love.
*sigh* Anyway, about 2 minutes into my crying, I realized that my tears were soaking Jr's grave more than the rain was. The rain let up, the sun started blaring down, as if it never rained at all. I still cried a bit even after the weather improved...but it's as if Jr. was telling me that I was going to be okay. I left his grave maybe 10 minutes after that. I still didn't say much to him, but I knew he understood. That's why I love my brother so much. He's my guardian angel.
So I exited my car, with small umbrella in hand, and walked towards his grave. I was not even 5 feet from his marker when I started to cry. I just let all my emotions out. And, I haven't cried like that for quite some time. I couldn't even talk to him, everytime I tried, I just cried even more.
So, what lead to this, you ask? Well, I had my appointment with my psychiatrist this morning, which really drove me to visit my brother at the cemetary. You see, I usually visit him when I'm feeling down, or when I have something to share with him.
I haven't been letting this bug me too much, but what I didn't share with my psychiatrist was that Papa was indeed diagnosed with Lung Cancer. This news hasn't gotten me all depressed or anything...on the whole, despite such tragic news, I've been fairly happy recently. A little stressed, but not depressed to the point of total seclusion and whatnot.
But...this news is not what made me sad today to the point of visiting my brother. In fact, I became so upset after my appointment with doc, because I shared with her that I have been having a long distance relationship with Arnold, my boyfriend. Apparently, she disapproves of me having such a relationship - she kept pointing out all kinds of potential conflicts and negatives. Of course, I didn't get defensive - I just smiled, said, "okay" and tried to shrug off all that she said. But I listened to her. I understood her point of view, but I didn't readily agree. But, I didn't tell her that I didn't readily agree...I just took it all in.
And I guess that's why I was upset - maybe upset with myself for not telling her otherwise, or telling her my side of the story. She says I should try to find someone here on island, especially since this would be my first relationship. She says having a relationship with someone not from here is not a "normal" situation - which may lead to problems later on. She also thinks that I won't ever be able to know him in his "normal" way of life, as when I go to see him, I will be on vacation, he will be on vacation, it will be like a staged event. She thinks I need to familiarize myself with someone in their natural habitat, so to speak.
And, she says, in order to know him in his natural habitat, I would have to bring him over here as a "husband" already - which by that time, it will probably be too late to figure everything out and get accustomed to things, etc.
Anyhow, I'm sad that such things were said. But honestly, I tried to find someone here on Guam. Maybe not as hard as she would have liked me to, but I did try at least. Earlier this year I also was beginning to visit E-harmony and was filling out all those personality surveys and shit. I was seriously thinking that the only way I was gonna find love was by looking elsewhere.
It just so happened that my opportunity to meet someone came, a few months ago. It turned into love. My psychiatrist is speculative about this whole thing - she says I wouldn't know if he's truly what he says he is, or if he's lying to me about who he is so he can get to me.
But...saying that is like telling me "oh, you don't love him...you can't love him...you shouldn't love him...because blah blah blah".
So, now that I've found love, you're telling me that I can't have it?
What the fuck is that?
Shouldn't love be love, no matter what, no matter how?
And shouldn't I just at least try to make it work?
Why does she want me to quit now to find something else? What if there is nothing else and I lose Arnold?
All I know is this: I don't want to not have love.
*sigh* Anyway, about 2 minutes into my crying, I realized that my tears were soaking Jr's grave more than the rain was. The rain let up, the sun started blaring down, as if it never rained at all. I still cried a bit even after the weather improved...but it's as if Jr. was telling me that I was going to be okay. I left his grave maybe 10 minutes after that. I still didn't say much to him, but I knew he understood. That's why I love my brother so much. He's my guardian angel.
You never know what's going to happen with someone until you give it time. Jessica and Nate started out long distance, and it worked out for them. I learned in my Psychology of Close Relationships class that the odds are against long distance relationships, but if both partners put in the effort and time to keep it going, it can work. It's about the level of commitment you both put into it. There are some perks to having him far away - you get to know him before anything physical happens, and many times people are more open and willing to share in an online situation than in a face to face one. Don't let your therapist get you down. Give it time and a chance and it may turn out to be something great. And if it doesnt, you've still got time to look for love closer to home. We're still young, dude! No need to be so cynical and fatalistic. You tell her I said that, and then I said, "IN YOUR FACE!" ;)
Posted by
sabete |
9/17/2006 11:21:00 PM
thanks for the encouragement dude *hugs* I guess since this is my first real relationship, I'm taking everything to heart, and I'm super-sensitive.
It's been a lot of work to keep this thing we have going...but it's worth it to me :-) And he's saying the same thing, so I think we're on the same page :-)
You're right about the positives of the long-distance relationship - I wouldn't readily disclose a lot of things in person, but it's been easier for me to do it via text messages. I guess I'm just that kind of person :-)
Yeah...I shall prove my therapist wrong ;-)
Posted by
ronnie |
9/18/2006 12:07:00 PM
Thanks Jess *hugs* for the great advice. I just wish my BF was computer literate so we can chat. Sometimes the txt route is super slow, or completely unreliable.
Like last night, he wasn't getting my messages, and I was still getting his, but he kind of gave up too early to go to bed - and I didn't have a conversation with him at all - and I missed him :-(
*shrug*
Well...I look forward to finally seeing him - but that's gonna be next year - still a long way from now. :-(
Posted by
ronnie |
9/25/2006 10:12:00 PM