Anxious piece of shit - that's what I am
I don't understand sometimes, why on earth did I choose to be a nurse at GMH. As I've blogged before, I became a nurse to know how to take care of my family, mainly Papa. But, why did I choose to be a GMH nurse? I could easily be a nurse at a clinic, at Public Health...etc... But I realize that the type of nursing I need is something that will keep my attention from fading into boredom - thus GMH.
But, GMH is TOO STRESSFUL. Sure, I'm never BORED, but I'm always in a high state of ANXIETY, which naturally feeds my frustrations - there's not enough time for me to do what I have to do for each patient. And I end up beating myself up and feeling bad for not being there for patients, when I need to be there, or when I want to be there. I get upset and blame myself for not working faster. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep things done according to the timing of the hospital. I just have too many patients, too many difficult and lengthy nursing things to do for each of them.
I feel inadequate. Everyone at work is saying it's not my fault. But, I can't help but think that it is. I'm not getting my job done on time. For fuck's sake, I even go to work an HOUR EARLY to prepare myself for the shift, and I STILL CAN'T GET SHIT DONE ON TIME?
I hate going home late from work. I've been coming home at 2-3 am these past few weeks. I said WEEKS. That's how long our unit and the whole hospital has been struggling with overcrowded beds and severely sick patients. On my unit alone, we have at least 4-6 patients that are HIGHLY ACUTE. Meaning, they are the most time-intensive. That's 4-6 out of 26 of our patients. How can a nurse like me, care for 1-2 of these highly acute peeps, on top of 4-5 other heart-monitored patients?
I take care of 6-7 really sick patients every day. I don't always eat a meal. I'm lucky to pee twice in a shift. I don't sit down until the very, very end of the shift, when I finally have time to chart on the computer. I stand and move and lift and turn and do God knows what else for the rest of the time. IT SUCKS.
I want to break-down sometimes during the shift. I want to cry and scream. I'm a mess at work. I feel like I'm a chicken without a head mostly. I hate feeling that way. When I become anxious, my attitude towards others changes - I'm demanding to my aides, and get upset when they can't perform for me. I expect things to be done when I say so. I'm cranky. I cuss at the station or wherever else I can. I grunt and sigh and look completely stressed. When I get that anxious, I can't hide my feelings anymore. My feelings just want OUT.
But, so far I've been good to not really break down and cry at work. But, OH SO MANY TIMES, I'VE WANTED TO POP A XANAX! But I don't. Maybe I should.
Anyway...I'm a mess. I'm starting to dread going to work. I hate it when I'm there. I'm dead when I come home from work. I'm bitchy at home - I'm releasing my frustrations on to my family. This is not a good way to be.
I'm physically and emotionally in pain everyday. I'm starting to rely on over-the-counter Motrin to help keep me moving each day. My sleep is not restful. I still have worries and thoughts spinning in my head as I fall asleep. My iPod has been helpful for this - I've been playing lots of relaxing mood music. I'm amazed that I'm even able to fall asleep - it must be from being tired, I guess.
Here's a song that I'm relating to right now:
This live performance didn't have the full song, so here's the lyrics: (I love when he sings the octave higher)
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation
At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
But, GMH is TOO STRESSFUL. Sure, I'm never BORED, but I'm always in a high state of ANXIETY, which naturally feeds my frustrations - there's not enough time for me to do what I have to do for each patient. And I end up beating myself up and feeling bad for not being there for patients, when I need to be there, or when I want to be there. I get upset and blame myself for not working faster. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep things done according to the timing of the hospital. I just have too many patients, too many difficult and lengthy nursing things to do for each of them.
I feel inadequate. Everyone at work is saying it's not my fault. But, I can't help but think that it is. I'm not getting my job done on time. For fuck's sake, I even go to work an HOUR EARLY to prepare myself for the shift, and I STILL CAN'T GET SHIT DONE ON TIME?
I hate going home late from work. I've been coming home at 2-3 am these past few weeks. I said WEEKS. That's how long our unit and the whole hospital has been struggling with overcrowded beds and severely sick patients. On my unit alone, we have at least 4-6 patients that are HIGHLY ACUTE. Meaning, they are the most time-intensive. That's 4-6 out of 26 of our patients. How can a nurse like me, care for 1-2 of these highly acute peeps, on top of 4-5 other heart-monitored patients?
I take care of 6-7 really sick patients every day. I don't always eat a meal. I'm lucky to pee twice in a shift. I don't sit down until the very, very end of the shift, when I finally have time to chart on the computer. I stand and move and lift and turn and do God knows what else for the rest of the time. IT SUCKS.
I want to break-down sometimes during the shift. I want to cry and scream. I'm a mess at work. I feel like I'm a chicken without a head mostly. I hate feeling that way. When I become anxious, my attitude towards others changes - I'm demanding to my aides, and get upset when they can't perform for me. I expect things to be done when I say so. I'm cranky. I cuss at the station or wherever else I can. I grunt and sigh and look completely stressed. When I get that anxious, I can't hide my feelings anymore. My feelings just want OUT.
But, so far I've been good to not really break down and cry at work. But, OH SO MANY TIMES, I'VE WANTED TO POP A XANAX! But I don't. Maybe I should.
Anyway...I'm a mess. I'm starting to dread going to work. I hate it when I'm there. I'm dead when I come home from work. I'm bitchy at home - I'm releasing my frustrations on to my family. This is not a good way to be.
I'm physically and emotionally in pain everyday. I'm starting to rely on over-the-counter Motrin to help keep me moving each day. My sleep is not restful. I still have worries and thoughts spinning in my head as I fall asleep. My iPod has been helpful for this - I've been playing lots of relaxing mood music. I'm amazed that I'm even able to fall asleep - it must be from being tired, I guess.
Here's a song that I'm relating to right now:
This live performance didn't have the full song, so here's the lyrics: (I love when he sings the octave higher)
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation
At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
You need a break and to really think about a less stressful gig - for your own health and sanity. We have to compromise our aspirations with our ability. I'm trying my best to do that - I'm thinking about working part time instead of full time once I have this kid, if I can swing it.
Maybe working at a clinic would be better for you, instead of the hospital. Think about it, dude. You don't have to feel this way.
Posted by
sabete |
9/07/2007 09:39:00 PM
But I will feel guilty if I quit hospital nursing. I know how we terribly need nurses at GMH, so I don't want to cause further staff shortage.
I'm just hoping that these feelings will subside once my workload lightens. But what if that never happens?
*sigh*
I don't know.
Posted by
ronnie |
9/08/2007 01:42:00 AM
Sabete's right. It sounds like you need to give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself. Even if you decide that GMH is still the place for you, you have to at least try to quit heaping guilt on yourself. It's so easy to distort reality, when you're experiencing such anxiety (I know I do that a lot). It's not your fault, the hospital is understaffed and overcrowded. You are not inadequate. You are performing above and beyond the call of duty.
Posted by
June |
9/10/2007 12:58:00 AM
Thanks June :-D I guess I take things to heart 'cause I really do care about what happens to people at work - maybe I care too much :-P
Posted by
ronnie |
9/10/2007 10:46:00 AM