Sunday, October 30, 2005 

Where have I been?

Just yesterday, I revisited an old favorite site of mine: http://eng.tatysite.net
I realized that the last time that I posted anything on that forum was in December of 2003. I also checked my profile there and rediscovered my long-lost and yet another failed attempt of a website: http://free.hostdepartment.com/r/ravenryuu

My online universe at that time came to a screeching halt. Lots of things happened in December 2003. My love for t.A.T.u. diminished greatly, as everything I loved about them was false. I felt betrayed, and thus, stopped going to that fansite. I also started working at the hospital in December (the 22nd of December to be exact), and my lazy days and ample internet time vanished.

Then, the need to release thoughts emerged again this year, and the easiest route was this blog. But now, I kind of miss the creativity involved in making your own website. I don't miss the labor, but it's nice to see something you made in material. I would like to eventually recode this blog, but again, that's lots of work, and knowing my ADD, I'd sooner choose the fastest route available (free and pre-made templates). It's not that I'm lazy, I just can't sustain the attention needed for it, and I fear I'll end up with many unfinished templates.

So...why did I revisit that t.A.T.u. fansite? Well...I happened upon their new album at my MP3 downloading site (AllOfMP3.com), as they have a section just for russian music. I was actually looking for newer songs from Glyu'koza or Smash!!, but instead, clicked on the cyrillic letter "T" and found Taty (the russian name of t.A.T.u.). And there before my eyes was a newly released album of theirs. And I fell into my fanaticism again. Well...not as deep.

It sparked interest in them again. So I downloaded the new album, and I must say, I LOVE IT. I should've just stuck to what drew me in, in the first place: the MUSIC. That's how I fell in love with them back in 2001-2002. Why did I let the marketing and publicity envelop me? Why did I become a fanatic? I really don't know. But, maybe I needed something to concentrate on. At that time, I was out of school, a bum at home, and spent every waking moment online on the internet. It was a perfect match.

Now, I'm on sick-leave from work, trying to rest, and with lots of internet time to play with. I guess my old habits die hard. I crept back into that fansite, and I actually miss it. I missed my friends that I made there, I missed spending time reading up on the group, and commenting on many subjects. But I've been gone for so long, that I'm really lost. I don't know what's going on with t.A.T.u. anymore, and honestly, I don't have the time to be following their every move, like I used to do. I mean, I used to know their next appearances on TV, their next song release, and where they will be performing next. But I don't anymore. And I don't have the time and energy now.

But, I do know that I still love their music, and I should still be a fan in that respect. For now, I've been welcomed back into the fansite community, but they know it will be in a limited capacity, as they know what's going on in my world now. But it's nice to see those friendly online people again, and nice to know that I'm always welcomed there, no matter what. ^_^

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
what's Ronnie listening to right now?
it's Coco's Temaeva, a tahitian troupe

what? you didn't know that the Apuron side of my family are tahitian dancers?
Well, my mom and her 6 sisters were "The Apuron Sisters" back in the day, and now, us kids and cousins are "The Apuron Sisters: Next Generation".
They've already performed at several venues, I think the biggest being during the Liberation Day Carnival this year. I'm not a part of the group, as my work schedule doesn't allow me to practice with them. But if I were, I'd be the drummer. I can't dance to save my life ;p

10/30/2005 12:36:00 PM | |

Thursday, October 27, 2005 

On sick leave from work...

Work's been hard for the past couple of weeks, and I know my co-workers would agree with that. The people coming into the hospital these days are just really sick, and require lots of time and attention, especially the peeps on life-support...yes, we do care for patients on life support and a couple of IV drips on my unit (as well as the other units), it doesn't only happen in the intensive care unit (ICU). But what's worse about caring for that high level of acuity patient, is that you're not just focusing on that patient or another like they do in the ICU (ICU nurses care for 2 patients only). You've got 5 more patients plus the one intensive patient on Telemetry (where I work), so on a "full house" day, each floor nurse would care for 6 patients. The load is even higher in the other adult care units. Med-Surg averages 9-11 patients, and so does the Surgical unit, but again, it depends on how many nurses are working the floor. If there are more nurses, your load decreases.

The entire world is suffering from a nursing shortage. As far as I know, there has not been a time where the need for nurses was not present. There are just too many patients per nurse, and that makes the job stressful. California and some other states have laws limiting the workload per nurse, called nurse-patient ratio. I don't think such a thing can occur here on Guam. If we did have such a law, I'm sure the number of beds at the hospitals will decrease.

Which brings me to another point that I still find amazing to see in the PDN. "No beds at the hospital", or "Long ER waiting times". Well...let me just inform the people of Guam that GMH is not the only hospital experiencing this "long ER waiting time". It's written about all the time in nursing and medical journals. It happens in other places too, and Guam is not unique to it. So, if you go to the US, you probably can experience the same thing. So, enough already about the complaining. Number two: "no beds at the hospital" - well, don't forget our population is increasing. Sure, we can build as many beds as finances will allow to try to accomodate better the people, but what's the point when there's no nurses to care for the patients in them? I say keep our beds, increase our nurse workforce, and just be better at BED UTILIZATION.

Ah...the magic word. UTILIZATION. Some people really don't need to be admitted and occupy a bed. Some people don't need to have their heart monitored, like what we do in my unit. Something's gotta happen in that department soon, or GMH will always lack beds, as they will be filled with people who don't need acute hospital care, and the ones who do need those beds, stay forever, waiting in the ER.

Still with me so far? Thanks, I really needed to get the above out of my head. A lot of the aforementioned really makes me stressed out, as I think it does also for other hospital employees. So, to elabrorate more on my topic. I think I'm burned out. You already know about my pain troubles, and fatigue, and psychiatric history. Well, it came to a head on Sunday. I was working a long stretch of five days (that's long for nurses, really), and I was just in a bad mood that day. I came home tired, hurt all over, and hungry. I snacked a little bit. Then I got a call from work. The charge nurse explained to me that something was not done, and of course, I'm in disbelief. I became angry at myself, even though I tried to apologize for the mistake, I still didn't feel good. I was so upset, that I started to cry. Val was there to console me. It took me a while to come down from the emotions.

I showered, then tried to go to sleep, but couldn't as the thoughts still stirred in my head. Then my cell rings. I get a call from my coworker who asked if I forgot to do something, and I realize, "oh shit...I didn't do it!", but before she hangs up, she hands the phone over to my other coworker, who asks me something similar for another thing, and again, "I'm really sorry, I didn't do it". That's already three things that didn't get done because I honestly forgot or did not know that I even had those things to do.

I break down again in Val's room. Thank God she was still awake to listen and console me. I was so emotional that she instructed me to take my Xanax to calm down. I was so beside myself. I couldn't believe my quality of care lacked because I was not 100% at work. I think I haven't been 100% at work at all, but this was all too much. Val knew that I had to see my psychiatrist ASAP. So, in the morning, she arranged my appointment, and took Monday and Tuesday off to be with me and help me. I am so lucky to have a sister like Val. I don't know what I would do without her.

My psychiatrist ordered me to take two weeks sick leave and rest. We don't know exactly where my pain and fatigue is coming from, and it could be all kinds of things. It could be my thryoid, as I've been hypothyroid for about 5 years now. Maybe my levels are low, and I need to adjust my thyroid hormone medicine. Maybe it's my depression that's causing it. But, maybe not, as I still enjoy life's activities, and I don't feel sad presently. If we do find it's depression, I would definitely have to try a different anti-depressant. Maybe it's just stress and wear and tear from work. If it's that, then maybe all I need is some rest to heal my body, which I can do in my 2 weeks sick leave. If it's none of these, my doc will have to rule out fibromyalgia, which she said is terrible and impossible to treat. I really hope it's not that.

So, I'm now going into day 4 of my sick leave, and I still wake up limping and in pain. A little tired still, but I have time to rest now whenever I want. I really hope I improve and feel better soon. In the meantime, I'll try to enjoy my off-time ^_^

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
so, who am I listening to now? my russian girl-duo, or course! ^_^
it's their new album, "Dangerous and Moving", and so far, it's good :-)

10/27/2005 12:36:00 AM | |

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 

Such a lazy day, and still aching plus me venting about work and school

I'm off today from work, and spent most of it in bed, watching TV, or sleeping. Not a very productive day at all. I've become used to being in this "rest" mode, as I believe I need to recuperate or re-energize for the next day. But, all this "rest" does nothing to improve my energy. I still go to work tired, and get home fatigued. I wake up with many aches throughout, that I don't want to leave the bed. But, since we all have to pee, I muster strength to get out of bed to go to the loo, eat a little something for breakfast, and pop my daily pills. On a work day, or actually, everyday, I head back into bed to rest again after breakfast. I estimate my daily sleep time to be around 9-10 hours (on work days), and 10-12 hours (on off days). I sleep too much, perhaps.

On TV, I caught a commercial for yet another anti-depressant drug, but their theme was about the physical symptoms associated with depression, more than other symptoms. It grabbed my attention, because it described me right now. I'm not sad, or wanting to kill myself. I'm not overly anxious or irritated. I'm just in pain. I don't want to take pain medicine, but some days, I have to in order to get rest or sleep. I went to the website advertised on the commercial: http://www.depressionhurts.com . I used the symptom mapper to list my complaints, and printed it out. I'll be sure to show it to my psychiatrist the next time I see her.

But, I have told her about these symptoms already. We shrug it off as work-related pains, that should go away with time. But, I've been hurting for probably a month and going. It was really bad a week and a half to two weeks ago. It's become less painful, but still, I want to be able to wake up every morning and walk easily to the bathroom, not limp.

Is all this pain a result of my sedentary lifestyle also? If I become more active, would I actually gain more energy and rid myself of these aches? I'm not sure. And I'm hesitant about finding out too, because I believe more activity means more pain and fatigue. Hence, I "rest" all day. Could it also be my bed? I think it's pretty comfortable right now. But, maybe a newer bed will help. I don't know. I'm willing to try anything in order to become pain-free.

Could it just be stress-related? I think my major stressors right now are work and school. Work is work. It hasn't changed. I knew working at the hospital would be hard and challenging. I've been there for almost 2 years now, and the system seems like it will never change to the way I think it should be, but I've not yet given up hope on changing the hospital for the better. There will be some big changes, actually, in the near future at work, as our newly-renovated unit will finally be open for us to move back into. Being displaced this whole year in the med-surg wing has been, unheavenly.

Now...the big concern for me is school. I've paid for the courses. I've yet to start work on anything. I've obtained the syllabi. I've only looked them over briefly during my psych-therapy session with my psychiatrist. And what day is it? It's already October 18!!! What the hell am I doing? I should be starting at least one little project or paper. But, I feel like I'm avoiding it. I've fallen into my old school routine of the past - procrastinate until it's almost too late. I've already discussed this with my psychiatrist, and she knows that I'm this way, so she's been trying to implement all these steps and deadlines to help me get something done. But it's not really working. I was supposed to touch base with her today, but didn't, because I was watching TV and not thinking about doing any of my school work. Why am I avoiding it? I know I have to do it, but I'm not doing it. What, in my crazy mind, is blocking me from getting something done? I know what the positive results will be if I do my school work and graduate. I can take the RN exam, to be a RN, then get paid more. Why is that not motivation enough?

Or am I still scared of something? Am I still afraid to do this work because I fear I may not put out the same quality work of years past? I know I should just do the work, turn it in, and not think about a grade at all, and just pass, but why is it so hard for me? Why is it that I'm able to write all this here in a blog, and not type a single word for my papers?

I really don't know.

10/18/2005 11:16:00 PM | |

Saturday, October 08, 2005 

Wonderful Weekend So Far

I attended the Ladies Fest on Friday, held at April's house (very nice house, if I may say), and had a blast. We ate delicious food, and dessert (I'm going to try that ice-cream trick one of these days), and had fun with the kids and April and Rey's familia. We had a glimpse of what their wedding video does to little Alex, and also belted out songs via the karaoke mic, which hated visitors' voices, but loved the owners' ;p April and Rey really worked hard to make it a proper night, and I thank them for the wonderful time :) I believe the next night will be over at Sabete's. And then I'll have a night also, here at Latte Heights, but when I get my 2 week vacation/"finish school work leave" in November (the latter half, after my B-Day).

Today, my Boogie Man's mom threw him a birthday party at the Tamuning McDonald's. I took a whole bunch of pics :) I think he enjoyed himself, and I know he will love the stuff we got for him. You see, I've made him into a Hot Wheels fanatic. I've always loved toy cars since I was little, and I've passed that passion onto him now. It's great for me, as I love buying all kinds of cars for him and I to play with :)

Have you ever heard of the Hotwheels movies? I really hooked my Boo into those movies, and we've been collecting all kinds of special cars since watching them. During the party, I broke out a part of his birthday gift, because the music McD's was playing was so girly. The main gift I got for him was the Hotwheels Acceleracers Soundtrack. I played it on their sound system, and he freaked out...looking all over the room, searching for the source of the music, 'cause I guess he thought the movie was playing somewhere ;) Then, I gave him the CD case for it, and he never let it go! He kept staring deeply at the design, and the cars and characters on it. That's my Justin, the Hotwheels Munster :D

And, the fun isn't over yet. My three day weekend will end tomorrow, with a fun day at the Micro. Mall's Funtastic Park. The Boo loves to ride the little kiddie roller coaster and bumper-cars :) I'll be sure to take lots more pics. Then come Monday, it will be back to work for me...

Until then, here's my Boogie Man at his party today :)

10/08/2005 11:44:00 PM | |

Monday, October 03, 2005 

Legit music

So, I've started purchasing music online now, instead of downloading them "freely".

I paid an initial balance of $10 USD at a place called All Of MP3 ( http://www.allofmp3.com ) And each song is roughly 0.11-0.12 cents for 192 kbps quality music. Everytime you pick a song and download it, you deduct from your balance. It works out well for me so far, as I don't care to buy CD's anymore, and I usually only like a couple of songs out of a CD anyway. It saves me money :) I think you can buy pretty much everything online these days. If only Pay-Less *ahem* Pay-More, would get on the ball and start an online service and deliver food and stuff to my door...then my dreams of becoming a complete hermit would be complete ;)

In honor of my boogie-man's 5th birthday on Oct. 8
Happy Birthday Boo!!! Nanni loves you!!! ^_^

10/03/2005 10:31:00 PM | |