Sunday, November 27, 2005 

My bro's back home!

Trev came back home on Thanksgiving day, early morning. We had a wonderful thanksgiving lunch at mom's. I missed my bro so much. I'm glad he's home, although it's only for R&R. He's going back to Africa (Djibouti) in 2 weeks. I'm trying to spend as much time as I can with him.

So I'm on leave again, this time annual leave, and I'm supposed to be doing my school work. The semester is going to end soon, and I've yet to finish the big projects. I've at least knocked out one minor paper.

I find it hard to have any motivation to do the school work. It's just really hard. And I can't understand it. I know it makes Val mad that I'm procrastinating, as she has been tasked to keep me on track by my psychiatrist. She's supposed to be my "slave-driver", but it really just makes me shut down more, and not want to do anything at all.

I've also been ill. I don't think I've fully recovered from anything. Stamina does not exist, and I am easily tired. I've been forgetful, as always, but consequently, I go missing some doses of my meds, sometimes for a couple of days. I feel I'm just not "well" enough to do much. And I think I'm like that always.

So, if I'm always not feeling good, when will I ever be up to finishing the damn schoolwork? Never, perhaps. And it's sad. I want to graduate, and I'm losing time. And I'll be at work soon again.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

11/27/2005 01:43:00 PM | |

Tuesday, November 22, 2005 

"secrets of life"

"Secrets Of Life"
by: V. Cruz
11/22/2005
19:05

There are no simple words
only complex songs
Everyday we strain and strive
The world passes by
And we don't see it
We don't live it

Am I the only one who knows the secrets of life
If I am, I'll be lonely
Everyone would be boring
But everyone knows the secrets of life
They just don't realize it
If they learn to trust themselves, we'll all fit

Why question the day away
We could be smiling
Everytime I try to think
My mind is empty
And I can't stand it
Cause I won't have it

Am I the only one who knows love is the answer
If I am, I'll be unloved
Everyone would be lamenting
But everyone has to have known love
at one time at least in life
If we learn to love ourselves, we're alive

11/22/2005 07:05:00 PM | |

Saturday, November 19, 2005 

Viral Gastroenteritis

Shitting and puking. That sums up what I've been doing since early Monday morning last week. Well, it's now significantly better at least, I'm not running to the bathroom every 5 minutes. Still have a little bit of the upset stomach and nausea, but less frequent bowel movements.

Eeww...why is Ronnie talking about this? Well...this viral gastroenteritis bit had me down this whole week, so I think it's important. I even had to get a shot to help stop the vomiting. Yep, that bad. I called in sick again as well, 'cause I wasn't going to work in such a state.

At least I'm now able to eat solid food. I was pretty much on a liquid or no-food diet this whole week. Yum...food tastes so good. But I'm still laying off the dairy, as I still have the runs at times. Hey..some food is better than nothing. But I discovered something that I can have, and it's the closest thing to ice cream for now...Sorbet!!

Hooray for sorbet!! I had some of that delicious stuff at cold stone yesterday. I'm now sending Val on a mission to find me sorbet. I called Pay-More and discovered they have some at the Mall store. So...off Val goes. And I eagerly await her return.

In other news, school work has commenced. At least an inch of it at least. I took a NCLEX 3000 pretest, and sucked. I only got 57%. Then again, I was sick to my stomach still, and on the verge of puking. Anyhoo, I've done a little more online research for my project today. And if I'm still in a typing mood this evening, I may just start writing some of my reflective paper...yeah...right....I'm just waiting for that sorbet to get home!

So, I'm on annual leave now, to start and finish my school work, and I'm seeing my psychiatrist frequently to make sure I'm doing the work. And I'm still recovering from viral gastroenteritis.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
what makes ronnie laugh?
The Happy Tree Friends, of course.
never heard of them? Well, hop on over to their website and have a ball!
http://www.happytreefriends.com
CAUTION: not for small kids or big babies. this site contains cartoon violence!

11/19/2005 05:34:00 PM | |

Sunday, November 13, 2005 

"loss"

"loss"
by V. Cruz
11/13/2005
18:30

Why god has chosen death over life, I cannot say
But I am feeling hurt and sad today
I know that life is a miracle, difficult to imagine
that easily, it's taken away, and abandons

Why you could not live, I don't comprehend
Now you've gone away, and we're saddened
by the loss of your soul to the heavens
without you ever knowing your brethren

You've been washed away in a tide we couldn't control
Why God didn't protect you, an innocent soul
is a question that burns me to the core
And we will never know the answer to that and more

We will never see your face or smile
We will never hear your laugh or voice
You will never know this earth and time
and all this, was not our choice

But God has different plans for us, I see
for now, we will mourn and grieve

You'll never know us
And we'll never know you

11/13/2005 06:12:00 PM | |

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 

A little bit of creativity amidst my sinus woes

Damn hay fever. It sucks to be sick. I started sneezing yesterday, but awoke this morning with really bad post nasal drip, watery/itchy eyes, and a pressurized head. Maybe staying in the house so much is making me sick. Perhaps a bit of fresh air will do me good. Hmm...best to wait 'til sundown to exit the house. I'm afraid of the sun ;p

I've just been in some kind of limbo state, not wanting to do much or anything at all. I spent some time in front of the computer to watch the rest of my J-Dorama show, Antique. Then after that, I was just at a loss as to what to do next. I have no drive whatsoever. So, I put some music on, and suddenly words filled my head.

See, there's been things stuck in the back of my mind. It's already November. The only date in November that's been sticking out in my brain is Nov. 8, the date of my next appointment with my psychiatrist. I never gave much thought to the important date of Nov. 4, my birthday. Has it lost so much significance, that I think of it as just another ordinary day?

Well, it's most likely because birthdays aren't celebrated as much in adulthood, at least for me. It's just a day where family wishes you a happy birthday, and sometimes you get gifts. But, there's no party, no celebration. It's just a date that marks another year passed, and another year older.

I digress. These thoughts of the impending birthday, made me feel sad, for what have I accomplished in yet another year? Nothing significant that I can think of. I've just been working, just been struggling to manage my illnesses, and really just existing. I think I've reached a point where I'm evaluating my life, and finding that not much is happening.

I've been in a creative drought for a very long time. I'm not very good at making poems, I think. I'd be better at making a song. But my guitars are string-less, as I haven't gone out to get new strings for them yet. And I just had to get out these thoughts into words, and thus came up with
this:

OLDER

I'm growing older
and growing weak
life is not over
but life is now bleak

26 years on this earth
and still nothing learned
of love and its beauty
still alone and unknown

Still wanting to share
or have someone witness
this life of mine
pathetic or not, who knows

Surely, I'm not evil
I hope I'm welcoming
but not attracting, I guess
and left to stagnate on the side

Wondering how it is to have love
or to be swept up in it
But no chance of it is near
and I'll stay this way, I fear

How many years left to live
nobody really knows
but I fear the years that are left
will be spent all alone

11/02/2005 05:55:00 PM | |