Wednesday, September 26, 2007 

My 100th post - Mr. Children

I'm loving this japanese music group right now - Mr. Children. They've been around for years, making good music - and only recently I was able to acquire some mp3s of their more famous songs.
And, they sound great live:

SHIRUSHI


Shirushi
translated lyrics obtained from Mognet

We are listening to each other's pulse's, going at different tempos
As if things were decided to be this way from the start
No matter what words I choose, it seems like I'm lying somehow
I crumple up the letter that I wrote with the left side of my brain, and throw it away

I wonder if the voice of my heart will reach you?
Riding on a silent song...

Darling, darling, I've looked at you from all different angles
Each one of them wonderful, I realize what love is now
Now, with delicate nuances, you're trying to show me
That for you, "uncertainty = defense against getting hurt"

Someone made fun of our picture, saying "your faces both look the same"
Do we look alike? Or have we just begun to?
We faced each other so seriously that you could think of it as being tiresome
So much that it makes me envious of the rash person that I was

No one can hear the voice of my heart
That's fine, it's better that way

Darling, darling, I know that you have many different faces
No matter what I do to pass the time, I remember, and it hurts
I'm filled with my vivid memories, little by little
Instead of the many holidays that are filled in on my calendar

Laughing and crying, my feelings are unstable
But that is proof of you and I

Darling, darling, I've looked at you from all different angles
When the day that we can't live together anymore comes, I think that I'll still love you then
Darling, darling, oh my darling
I'm filled with vivid and crazy memories
Darling, darling

I also love another song of theirs, called "Kimi ga suki" (the live performance vid had an interview intro, so I'm opting to embed the music video instead - but I tell you, the live performance was beautiful!)


Kimi ga suki
Again, the translated lyrics from Mognet

If one of my wishes could still come true...
When a spend a day just
Absentmindedly daydreaming about the possibilities
The moon muddled the night in Tokyo
And the answer came out

I love you
It's fine if there is no more meaning to my life than this
In the depths of the night, on the side of an apartment building
I buy two cans of coffee from a worn out looking vending machine

If I could wipe away your tears with my hand
That would be wonderful
But just like me
You have an area that
You don't want to let anyone into, don't you

I love you
Even if the scent of a warm force of habit lurks within the sound of these words
My feelings burn, along with the halfhearted melody
Over and over again

The familiar muddy moon floats
Above the pedestrian overpass
Ah, it's futily and quietly trying to appeal to us
Us who are going to get dirty

I love you
It's fine if there is no more meaning to my life than this
In the depths of the night, I wait for you
Those feelings that have nowhere to go, float up again into the night sky
I love you, I love you
My feelings burn, along with the halfhearted melody

--------------------------------------------------
I guess I'm in the mood for sad love songs right now...

9/26/2007 10:37:00 AM | |

Saturday, September 22, 2007 

Week of hell finally over

Finally, my hellish week is over. I worked my 3 pm-11 pm shift since Sunday, until yesterday - so that was 6 days straight. That's something I'm not supposed to do, per doctor's orders. AND....since Monday, until yesterday, I attended a MANDATORY Chemotherapy certification training - every day, from 8 am to 11 am. So that's 5 days straight of classroom shit on 5 hours of sleep. I passed the exam though - it was open book, open notes - and I got 100%.

But, THIS WEEK WAS HORRIBLE. Work is pissing me off. We still have highly acute patients - on life support - living in my unit. Literally, just living in my unit. There's no where else for them to go. Other units can't handle their high acuity, so they can't go there (because they have too many patients already). But they don't necessarily need the heart monitoring that my unit provides. So why are they even in my unit? Just because we have a SLIGHTLY LOWER patient to nurse ratio, it is assumed that we can do it.

WRONG. These patients are TIME-INTENSIVE and SUPER SICK. Each nurse on my unit had one highly acute patient last night, along with 5-6 other patients plus admissions. I feel bad for my other patients, because I spend SO MUCH TIME on just one highly acute patient. I'm trying my best to manage my time for all of them, but there's always one that will HOG MY TIME AND EFFORTS.

You know, it has been PROVEN in studies that the more patients you give a nurse, the higher the chances are of those patients DYING. The risk of mortality is EXPONENTIALLY INCREASED for every one patient added onto a nurses' load. There's just not enough time to care of everyone. And I feel bad that I can't give the care I want to give.

I was so looking forward to next December - that's my employment anniversary - I will be 5 years in December 2008. But the way work has been lately, I don't think I can stand it any longer. I don't want to give up, but I feel...shit, I can't really describe how I feel.

Anyhoo...I have the weekend off now. I'm gonna rest and relax.

9/22/2007 11:17:00 AM | |

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 

This is completely unacceptable...

...the returning of gifts I gave him and his family during our relationship.

I had a feeling that he would do such a thing, though - I knew the very moment I heard of his opportunity - his first cousin (the one who married my coworker and who set us up) - was back in the PI for medical reasons. That's just the kind of person he is - I knew he would use his cousin to bring MOST of the gifts back to me.

I said MOST.

You know, I'm already pissed about this whole "return to sender" deal...but...if he really wanted to be rid of all evidence of me, he should have at least done so thoroughly. Where's the $70 Lacoste shirt I gave his father for father's day? Where's the $20 graduation gift I gave his nephew? Where's the $50 worth of toddler clothing from Macy's that I gave to his favorite nephew as a birthday gift?

Why am I angry? Here's the thing about me. I give gifts out of care, thoughtfulness and kindness. I spend time and money finding something to make the person I care about happy. I give gifts to show that I appreciate a person.

I DO NOT GIVE GIFTS ONLY TO HAVE THEM RETURNED TO ME WHEN SHIT GOES SOUR.

Returning MOST of these gifts back to me is INSULTING.

Returning MOST of these gifts back to me is DISRESPECTFUL.

Instead of returning these things, he should have just thrown them away or given them away. I don't care to have these things back. When I give gifts, I DO NOT, HAVE NOT, and WILL NOT EVER WANT THEM BACK.

I know that I hurt him by dumping him. I guess this is his way of hurting me back.

Do I have any plans on returning the favor and doing the same? NO. I'm not that contemptuous.

But now I have to figure out what to do with the returned shit. I still have the gifts he gave me. I haven't figured out yet what I want to do with those things - and now I have to deal with more shit.

I'm completely infuriated. I've lost all respect for him.







Wakaru ka?
----------------------------
Edit - I realize now that when I first blogged this I was super-irate. I've cooled down a bit. I'm still hurt, but I realize now I shouldn't expect him to retrieve those gifts I gave the kids. But the father - I don't see why he forgot that. I mean, he gave me back the gifts I gave the mother, so why not the father?

Another thing - my blogs are also automatically posted on my multiply site as well, so I got a comment there from my UOG nursing classmate. She thinks I need to call him for a resolution.

I responded back that I don't think he'd welcome a call or text from me. I was told by his cousin-in-law that he's trying to forget me and that returning the gifts was his way of letting go, or something like that.

I heard that he really took the break-up badly, to the point of getting seriously drunk on his birthday. Well, I think he would've gotten drunk on his birthday anyway, with or without the breakup, so....

yeah....

I somehow feel responsible for everyone's sadness...everyone meaning him and his family and friends...because I did the dumping.

But...what can I do, right? Shit happens. People can't always be happy. I wasn't happy to stay in the relationship. I don't think I need to explain any more than that...

What's done is done. I'm trying my hardest to get over this shit.

9/12/2007 01:56:00 AM | |

Friday, September 07, 2007 

Anxious piece of shit - that's what I am

I don't understand sometimes, why on earth did I choose to be a nurse at GMH. As I've blogged before, I became a nurse to know how to take care of my family, mainly Papa. But, why did I choose to be a GMH nurse? I could easily be a nurse at a clinic, at Public Health...etc... But I realize that the type of nursing I need is something that will keep my attention from fading into boredom - thus GMH.

But, GMH is TOO STRESSFUL. Sure, I'm never BORED, but I'm always in a high state of ANXIETY, which naturally feeds my frustrations - there's not enough time for me to do what I have to do for each patient. And I end up beating myself up and feeling bad for not being there for patients, when I need to be there, or when I want to be there. I get upset and blame myself for not working faster. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to keep things done according to the timing of the hospital. I just have too many patients, too many difficult and lengthy nursing things to do for each of them.

I feel inadequate. Everyone at work is saying it's not my fault. But, I can't help but think that it is. I'm not getting my job done on time. For fuck's sake, I even go to work an HOUR EARLY to prepare myself for the shift, and I STILL CAN'T GET SHIT DONE ON TIME?

I hate going home late from work. I've been coming home at 2-3 am these past few weeks. I said WEEKS. That's how long our unit and the whole hospital has been struggling with overcrowded beds and severely sick patients. On my unit alone, we have at least 4-6 patients that are HIGHLY ACUTE. Meaning, they are the most time-intensive. That's 4-6 out of 26 of our patients. How can a nurse like me, care for 1-2 of these highly acute peeps, on top of 4-5 other heart-monitored patients?

I take care of 6-7 really sick patients every day. I don't always eat a meal. I'm lucky to pee twice in a shift. I don't sit down until the very, very end of the shift, when I finally have time to chart on the computer. I stand and move and lift and turn and do God knows what else for the rest of the time. IT SUCKS.

I want to break-down sometimes during the shift. I want to cry and scream. I'm a mess at work. I feel like I'm a chicken without a head mostly. I hate feeling that way. When I become anxious, my attitude towards others changes - I'm demanding to my aides, and get upset when they can't perform for me. I expect things to be done when I say so. I'm cranky. I cuss at the station or wherever else I can. I grunt and sigh and look completely stressed. When I get that anxious, I can't hide my feelings anymore. My feelings just want OUT.

But, so far I've been good to not really break down and cry at work. But, OH SO MANY TIMES, I'VE WANTED TO POP A XANAX! But I don't. Maybe I should.

Anyway...I'm a mess. I'm starting to dread going to work. I hate it when I'm there. I'm dead when I come home from work. I'm bitchy at home - I'm releasing my frustrations on to my family. This is not a good way to be.

I'm physically and emotionally in pain everyday. I'm starting to rely on over-the-counter Motrin to help keep me moving each day. My sleep is not restful. I still have worries and thoughts spinning in my head as I fall asleep. My iPod has been helpful for this - I've been playing lots of relaxing mood music. I'm amazed that I'm even able to fall asleep - it must be from being tired, I guess.

Here's a song that I'm relating to right now:


This live performance didn't have the full song, so here's the lyrics: (I love when he sings the octave higher)
 I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night from overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know I'll be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away
Ghosts appear and fade away

9/07/2007 11:50:00 AM | |