Missed February...
I figured it was time to update a little, especially since I didn't blog at all in February.
So what's been up?
Well, if there's anything that's a constant in my life, it's CHANGE. I see my Boogie Man growing every week that he stays over, work is slowly evolving into a place where I'm not completely comfortable or confident or proud, and I observe that everyone else in my life is aging - and it's started to become a fear for me.
I find I'm more anxious lately. I'm more easily irritable, upset, moody and intolerant to the littlest, insignificant things I encounter (especially at work).
If changes happen at a pace I'm not prepared for (or not willing to accept), it becomes such a tremendous stressor. I abhor most anything that does not go my way, or go as I planned. I have become less and less flexible. Perhaps I've become less understanding, more selfish, less compassionate - especially in regards to work.
I'm finding it difficult to cope. I've always had problems understanding things, written or verbal, or even non-verbal, but lately nothing makes sense to me. Interactions are forced. I'd much rather keep to myself these days. I'd much rather hear silence than noise pollution.
I'm more reclusive. I'm more pensive. These days, I regret words I've spoken. I regret emotions I've shown to others. I hate not being able to CONTROL myself.
I hate that I shed tears so easily now. I hate that I can't rid myself of worries and fears. I hate many things, including myself.
I had an awful anxiety attack today. I didn't medicate myself for it, I just rode it out, but it's always so tiring and draining afterwards.
It's a little hard to be alive right now.
There. That's where I'm at right now.
So what's been up?
Well, if there's anything that's a constant in my life, it's CHANGE. I see my Boogie Man growing every week that he stays over, work is slowly evolving into a place where I'm not completely comfortable or confident or proud, and I observe that everyone else in my life is aging - and it's started to become a fear for me.
I find I'm more anxious lately. I'm more easily irritable, upset, moody and intolerant to the littlest, insignificant things I encounter (especially at work).
If changes happen at a pace I'm not prepared for (or not willing to accept), it becomes such a tremendous stressor. I abhor most anything that does not go my way, or go as I planned. I have become less and less flexible. Perhaps I've become less understanding, more selfish, less compassionate - especially in regards to work.
I'm finding it difficult to cope. I've always had problems understanding things, written or verbal, or even non-verbal, but lately nothing makes sense to me. Interactions are forced. I'd much rather keep to myself these days. I'd much rather hear silence than noise pollution.
I'm more reclusive. I'm more pensive. These days, I regret words I've spoken. I regret emotions I've shown to others. I hate not being able to CONTROL myself.
I hate that I shed tears so easily now. I hate that I can't rid myself of worries and fears. I hate many things, including myself.
I had an awful anxiety attack today. I didn't medicate myself for it, I just rode it out, but it's always so tiring and draining afterwards.
It's a little hard to be alive right now.
There. That's where I'm at right now.
Are you still in therapy? You sound like you need to talk.
You know you can always talk, vent, scream, cry to me if you want to.
I'm a willing ear, shoulder, hand to hold ...
Sometimes I feel anxious, drained, angry, frustrated, exasperated, depressed, lonely ... sometimes worse ... and I think I should go back to therapy. After the baby was especially hard, a lot of the depression came back. You know that I know how you feel.
I know you'd rather retreat, but please think about calling me. I miss you, dude. And I'm up all night anyway.
And I still think you should consider working at an outside clinic, Naval Hospital, or as an in-home care provider - they need nurses just as much, I'm sure.
No job pays enough to bear being miserable.
Posted by
sabete |
3/14/2008 01:35:00 AM
I haven't had therapy in a long time - probably several months. I'm still on the same doses of meds, so I don't think lack of a therapeutic pharmalogical level is my problem.
I guess when I last had therapy, I was prepared for the changes at that time. Now that more things are happening, I find I'm not willing to change my routine as of now.
During a staff meeting, my head nurse (she's my immediate boss), announced to everyone, including myself, for the first time, that I was "long overdue" for ICU (Intensive Care Unit)cross-training so that I may be able to handle PCU (Progressive Care Unit) cases on our ward.
Since then, the anxiety has been escalating. Firstly, she didn't think to discuss this with me in private, prior to the meeting. She really dropped a nuke bomb on me at the meeting - and I felt so embarrassed, for I'm sure I showed just how shocked I was in my reactions.
Until I can tell myself and truly believe that resigning from GMH would be moving on and not "throwing in the towel", I must cope and keep trying, for I know I will harbor deep feelings of regret otherwise.
And as for the ICU cross-training - I picked up my copy of our new 2 week schedule - I'm already scheduled to train there for 4 days, the week after next. Am I ready for that? Absolutely not. Do I have a choice? Not really.
I've been told that I'm the most "senior" RN among the new RN's in our unit.
I keep telling all who think that way that I'm only senior in total years at GMH, not as being a RN. I spent 3 1/2 + of my 4 years at GMH as a LPN. That really is a difference to me. To others, they don't think there's any difference at all.
Posted by
ronnie |
3/14/2008 10:34:00 AM
Hey Ronnie. Sabete is right about you needing to talk. Even if not in therapy, somebody. I know it seems like everybody is so busy leading their own lives that they don't really seem to care, but we all do. I'm glad you're back to blogging. That is at least an outlet you can have. We'll listen (er read).
As for work, I really don't know too much about how it is really over there, so take this with a grain of salt. Just take this new assignment as an opportunity to learn more. Like you said, you don't have a choice in whether you should train in ICU or not, but you do have a choice in how you deal with it. They must have faith in your abilities if you are being sent over there. And so what if you were an LPN for the bulk of your time there? You were exposed to the same patients right? You can do this.
I probably would want to crawl under a desk if somebody told me that I can be project manager at work. But a little positive thinking might do me (and you) some good. Just take a lot of deep breaths and develop some personal mantras to help you through the day. Anyway I'll stop babbling now.
Posted by
June |
4/03/2008 04:12:00 PM